Tuesday, July 06, 2004

I am waiting for you now....

How I wish that your words were true.

I am destined to be here waiting to be with a beautiful women like you...

You will be my only love... and from then on... I will lie across your breasts and breath you in....

Oh how I long for that moment.

You will rise to meet me and be filled with a thousand million years of lust from I,... Your love.

Feel me in your soul...

Place your fingertips upon the keyboard and guide me in.

Close your eyes..slowly tip back your head...softly part your yearning lips and accept my tongue...

Choke on its slithering earthy taste between your teeth and swallow the flowing waters once mine now ours.

This was written for you, because I am inside you now...

Feel me growing between your thighs until you burn...
Burn with a fire that only death can quench..

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Absinthe makes the heart grow fonder....

Lieing bitche' lays here beside me now,
cold and pale thinking she's still alive..
She gasps for what she never had,
It only proves what she said was a lie,...again.

She is not blind, tho since shes here,
I will rip at her eyes until they see
the blood that she draws from my heart...
gushing her full of what she missed.

Cruel intentions, mastered by a masterbator,
wanting things she will not know...
playing games, dueling with the green fairie..
Mary Jane was jealous too...

When I reach out she runs behind the other little fools,
a child playing games across the park..
there is no game in the games she plays,
in the end it will tear her apart..

There is no shame in love like this,
It is pleasure for the darker side of night,
it flew before the dawn of the third moon rising..
See her bleeding lips, crying for water from my tongue..

This deep well is never filled,
nor can she run it dry...
no matter how much she laughs,
in the end,...that laugh will die.

Skinny boys in stocking caps make me laugh...La Fée Verte

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Friday, July 02, 2004

Maiden Spike

To be beside the fallen hills
of maidens dreams once more..
ragged, torn and shreadded..
our lives ripping the night,
like a banshee sreaming from hell.

What lover this, could ever repay
a debt of souless blood...
a drip, a slash red tongues entwined
her life now mixed with death of my own...

Stand back and fall upon the knife
a breath held longer than it could,
and then she burst like a fountain
lurching deeper impaled upon my own.

Its shaft shining
dripping white
life dying at its sides
smiling as she holds it in her hand now.

She makes it hers.
its not my own.
Deeper driving, lusting on,
its one and only purpose...
pleasure in her soul.

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Just Do it...

[link]

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Monday, June 28, 2004

Self Respect in a river of rats...

Again the evil angels flew
their awful stinking breath to share..
they played the harp, they played their lute,
there came sweet sounds from within their flute.

I can now deny nothing,...noting at all they said,
as they shifted in their leather and plastic bed.
Grab a leg and pull her arm,
its all in fun there is no harm...

she's only made of flesh and blood,
we'll have her all for our own pure pud..
A trial is what we'll have you know,
we'll make it up and put on a show...

we'll get her sober and make her drunk
she'll never know, it was, what she thunk..
don't make her explain,
no need to say...

it really won't matter at the end of the day,
as the darkeness pulls out and leaves the light...
it will always want back and put up a fight,
but there is never a way..no way back at all...

it's a bottomless pit and an endless fall.

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Me N Jack Daniels

Killr' now

As the blakened steed reared it's ugly beak
she rode toward heaven, like a streak.
her breasts were torn, her ankles shorn
and I laughed as we heard her shreak...!

It was easy for me woman, when I believed that you were dead!
but the angels crawled upon me, and slitered up my bed...hha..
her suckling breasts now filling, she belives the cum was his.
we tore her brain..ah he knows it now, it aint hiz jiz!

I raped her oso freely..like a rod of fire unspent
she screamed and wanted more..ha this aint no church at lent!
it jambd her deaf and filled her cup n rods it made em gro
her bellys full, we fukd her up and her child is mine I know..

evils a religine and blackness hates the lite
her bloody virgin cunt i'take,
till she screams my name at night.
she cant escape the spirt
the hate is n her soul

we'll hold her down and rip herup
and tounge herother hole ha

----

Sleep well

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And the band stopped playing at 3:00- one more set please....

And the band stopped....
-------

Oh evil night as the dawn arose
Oh evil night without repose
all our lives shattered
endless dreams
drunken stupor, end it seems

all the girls danced, and hunched and squirmed
all the boys came, and lurched and spermed
evil dancing is all it was
for all the night long there was no love...

love they all cried, is what I want
not just a pecker in my cunt
but no one found what they said that had,
and all the boys and girls just went home sad..

So if they all want a life of trust
if all they want is more than lust...
then why can't they just say it,and shout out loud
and quit this gyrating in the crowd

don't pretend that you don't know what I mean
it's the same no matter what club it's in
you've been there, and so have I
so what's stopping us from admitting this lie?

Oh I can't say yes, and I can't say no
its all about wanting and living you know..
so cut me up and slice me again..
there is no good, and it is no sin..

so when its all quiet
and when you're all alone...
break out the absinth and the blarney stone...
one is a kiss the other is the tree,
just say that you love me and set us free...

no fuckn way can you be that hard...
you ain't insane and you ain't no tard,
if you don't end your life this moment I say
then your lieing to me
or beginning to pray...ha

So just let it go
you know it will be...
all the kings children
make a fantasy...
and I'm all the kings children
and a fantasy..

I'm all the kings children and a fantasy..ha

I'm all the kings children and a fantasy..

evil climbs your leg.. ha,

I'm all the kings children and a fantsay..

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Friday, June 25, 2004

Preps stumble in the night and the other guy just got up and walked away..but she didn't..

Preps stumble in the night and the other guy just got up and walked away..but she didn't..

She's still lying there crying..she ought to be happy...but just looked at me with those sad tired eyes and kept on weeping...we cleaned up most of the blood and put her into a cool bath..but she didn't seem to care...after all of that, you would think that she would try to kill me or ask me not to return..but she begged me to stay...can you believe it...she begged me to stay...ha..

Her song was not written for children...but I sent a copy to my best friend overseas already..at least there isn't a body to find...damn how did all of this start again? I've been here before but they blamed it on the drugs that last time..lol.. rich, lazy, self serving preps make me sad...isn't life a bitch when it's real?

Je dieing à l'intérieur

I am dieing inside

mais c'est une mort lente heureuse

but it is a happy slow death


Je l'aime quand je ne peux pas souffle

I love it when I can not breath


Il me rappelle la sucrerie de coton

It reminds me of cotton candy


rose et mortel doux à la fin

sweet pink and deadly in the end

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Monday, June 14, 2004

June 14-24th of the death of me I guess...

Thursday, June 24, 2004

Second Hand Thursday

Lights out
it's easier to hide that way...
cowering in the corner of my closet....
safe but alone...is that what it is?...
brown varnish smells like old lace..
too tired to cry
too old to die...
youth is what it is
and it passed me by
yesterday young and alive
today earth pushes up
from the grave...
will she bury me alone
or lie quietly down by my side
bride dress tatterd, moldy tux
patten leather shoes shining in the noon day sun.
as buzzards circle and feed upon love gained
or love lost I wander now how longs it's been?

Bass players make me laugh....

----------------------------------------------------------------------
Other angry and thoughtless words were said before this, but were very much regretted...some things should never be said out loud...other words should always remain in our mind....

"How do I love....Believe
How do I believe....Love"

Think about it.....

It saddens me that you may not ever understand that..

----------------------------------------------------------------------

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Saturday, May 01, 2004

Russ-hell-ville...The whole 9 yards...or how to fuck up your mind for the very first time...

Russ-hell-ville

And the Dance Began!


You sir make me dance.
But potatoes could be dangerous to young kids.
And wednesdays are no good because people scream too much on those days. Wrists eh? I have no wrists.
but vodka I do.


Im full of knowledge about good sounds and notes.
Ask whatever-I'll reply with wit and sometimes sloth like answers.


--

Burst this, my bubble. I'm in the white sheets again. And blood is the color of shame. People have left me alone under a tree. I told my therapist I was feeling hopeless and he said that all things feel hopeless, even puppies. I replied but this is the kind of hopeless where you can't start your car and you know you are going to be late. Puppies can't drive.
Someone empty-ied out my heart box and filled it with maggots, ew and melodramatic.

--

you afraid to answer or is this your monthly visit to the asylum?
Ja..im online and i needed a burst, but di u even try 2 share? No...
Sad faces make me cry...but u miss are the event of the century!!! And and this has nothing to do with Clayton!

I am I was. mite still be..
--


The glass is being hit again.
Car crash.
Do you have msn messenger?
--
Did you hear that...it waz my nails scraping down the blackboard...I cant even scream that loud any more and all I wanted was to clear the blood from the cuff of your pants...
and then she broke a bra strap..oh man not again. I climbed clear over here to pass her some juicy fruit and she breaks a bra strap...please take one of mine and don't stretch it...I really do love blue hair and oh those eyes.... those killer eyes...did she wink?


--



I reached out and I could feel your hand in the darkness...I feel your breath on my neck and I cry tears of shattered glass all around me...peering through the windshield, seeing you lie beside me now…



May 6, 2004

--

My mom died today.

, I really enjoyed talking to you.

I felt a good connection, I have to go think about a lot of things. I will be sure to write you again when I am fully aware of what I am going to do with my life. Please don't forget me. I am off to the hospital and you were the only person I could think of writing.



May 8, 2004



--



For once I'd reached the edge…finally the edge and knowing this I crept back and lay quietly on my closet floor…she sleeping there beside me...shallow breathing...I didn't know, I didn't know...but oh how my heart swells....now knowing what I've missed, and how the fear grips me, missing her even more as she sleeps!



Sleep on my dear...sleep safely on, for when you awake I will be waiting.... quitely, softly I lay my head back upon her Cinderella hips...kissing softly at her knees I see her smile...a little spit in corner of her mouth, diamonds that I yearn for, I catch them with my tongue.



--

I simply miss you....



--

--

Feeling alone is the best when others are around.


This is all I have done today.

It was a day of depression. Where black metal was floating
around in the cytoplasm of my brain. I always knew where
I was. Sitting at my forest green desk and staring into the white
glaring monitor I heard buzzing. A insect was caught in the window
and window screen. The plastic reflection and sunlight made me have to focus
the thing making the noise. I felt no sympathy towards it, so I didn't
dare move. I watched it twitch-its tiny sectioned body zip and
scratch and buzz. I burned holes into, it watched it like it was the most
important event happening in my life. It was like paniked static.
I wanted that bug to die. Its brown flakey being finally stopped moving
and it laid against the screen the bright light shined through its simple body
painting its organs and wings on my face. It was dying.
I hate bugs. I hate windows. I hate how that creature gave up when
the hole he came in through was just a couple of inches away.

--

Feeling alone is the best when others are around. This is all I have done today.

Dusty winds blew across my floor and scattered roses outside my door
Roses of pleasure, Roses of grief, roses of hatred smashed beneath our feet...
we danced and swept across the room catching the moment...dizzy dizzy
around we go...me in my overcoat.. you in your shawl...I hate it she said
I love it said I...hold me tight we're together...alone for the very
first time...I am sorry I can't change it...but I will carry it hear in my heart...

Long soft fingers, nails bitten to the bone… wrapped in my kneckscarf held softly
to my lips...and into this soft place, made here for us for yet a little while...stay
stay with me...

Just know that I am still here....


What are you going to do tomorrow? (Wednesday)...no...really do.
Download the music?
I am STILL here...listen..


--

--

Hey...I'm feeling very sad right now...its on the 11th line...


You're the only one that I look for early...
and you're the only one I look for late...
You're the only one I look for...
The more I learn the less I know...
You are so awesomely deep...
You are a pool of clear water...
You are quicksand pulling me in...
You are a thousand stars I've seen before...
You are every stranger on the street...
I reach for you and you fill my very soul..
You push me away and hell fills every space around me.
I explode with your pleasure...
I turn to dust with your grief...
I know you, you are...
I am...


--

I'm sorry if I upset you in any way...every time I think of you I get this soul filling experience that I can't explain...I do, so much care about what you are going through right now and I pray for you continually that you will be safe and your path made clear...
You have become such a special friend I could not bear to loose you now!
Thank you for adding such awesome richness to my life! I wish I could give you at least a tiny portion of what you have meant to me so far...

Write when you can

--

I will write you a long letter tomorrow.
<3 Subject: I still miss you... See how blank this page is...that is me...please just say hello K?


I haven't been on the internet lately.
Im sorry for the grief, I have a few more days of schoo left and its getting stressful.

--

So today I got up and wondered when the time was going to come for me to grow up...I thought I can't stop putting things off and I can't shut myself out forever. I put on a dress today and cut my hair about up to my chin. Falling hair makes me smile. My hands graced my feet like white lace tracing every blood vessel...I was hoping they wouldn't burst. Everyone know Killers have to run. After eating my usual grilled cheese sandwhich I got in my car and drove to school. How bland I feel there, no connection with anyone. Like I've got soft film covering my eyes and I never know what is going on. An ugly brown bag over my face where no one can see my smile. Boo-hoo? hoo...how...who? Sometimes I get lonely and I hug my knees. They never let me down and even when Im in the bath they make me strong. Jutting out like icebergs saying you will stand up. After school I went to go eat with a good friend of mine and at our coffee shop we get the same thing everytime. He got a cappiccino and I got a milkshake. That sounds so childish. I went to the dollar store next and bought some toys, like I said childish but I live now like Im 3 and talk like I'm 25. I love to paint? Did you know that....I don't paint anything. Just random colors splattered everywhere. I paint numbers, I draw numbers, I love numbers. Number won't let you down like people will. I want to dance with someone who will hold my back not my waist.

Hope you are having a nice day.


--


My only prayer is that someday, somehow we can meet...I know you... you are a missing part of my soul...I know that I can trust you with that...as fragile as it is, you are the only person in the world who can understand that...I was not having a nice day...I was having a usual day after having to attend training for the last three days...but having now heard from you once more...(you are the only one that I wrote to when I got back tonight!) may your soul be lifted like you lift mine!


Keys fall to the floor when I enter the room...



I feel your back stiffen..your waist won't bend and we sway to the music like toys spinning in the moonlight...



I saw him there with you and he made me jealous....did you see the cappiccino dripping from his cup...that was me...I picked and picked and picked trying to make a hole in it...but then I remembered he is your friend and I am not like them all...or am I...is all I do, done to make you cry?



I reached out and caught your hair...reading the little vessels on your feet like a road map...where will the map lead me..heaven or hell...I ask myself is she real...and then her soul leaps out at me again...oh...she is too real..I am afraid now...I can't break this! Oh dear God don't ever let me break this!



I see the numbers running down the screen...blue and green and red all smeared into black ...dripping like torn pieces of my heart...pick them up and carry them with you...the little numbers from my heart they will never let you down...after all they are the number three.



I pull her close feeling shoulder blades melting inside my hands now..I am there once more...waiting...feeling stronger trying to act like the man that I am...giving her iron within the flames of my eyes...I love chocolate shakes and my favorite number is 7...



Now I take a few more breaths and smell white lace beside the bathtub...



Can you feel this, or am I insane?

--

More that One


Tears on Sunday............

I hear your laughter

and I'm not there....

--

Blurry Paper Dolls...



..· ´¨¨)) -:¦:-

¸.·´ .·´¨¨))

((¸¸.·´ ..·´ -:¦:-

-:¦:- (( °º °

"(¨`v´¨)::" °..··..*.. ·· ..°

*..·°-:¦:- `v´* *-:¦:- °·..* * °.. ·· ..*.. ··

..° *

-:¦:- * °.. ·· ..*.. ·· .:.° * -:¦:-



Funny thing...I stole this for you because I thought is was so cool...silly huh?....bla weekend....awful night...bla day...r u havn it any better?....thats how I feel...like a blurry paper doll...set em up Sam and play something funny for me...I hate the empty moments knowing that they could be full...only the doubts keep that from happening, we do have to make a living you know...don't we?



Once I was a nomad ranging across the desert full of adventure and hard dusty feet but when the rains came desert diamonds turned to grass...sometimes grass isn't all it's cracked up to be. Even when I showered her with all my love it did not mean so much as a handfull of m&m's to her...soft crunchy c on the outside...addicting but not good for your teeth...



You have the most beautiful smile....I keep hearing your laughter like a brook sealed inside...I pick up the can and hold it to my ear like a sea shell along the crowded rock strewn asphalt alley...people keep taking things from my cart...won't you help me please...I..

--

Single Little Shadows



My eyes lifted as she entered the room...softly she rode upon the waves like a flower floating across my heart...Oh what is that noise..is it music or an oceans roar...her sweet voice warming my ear flowing into my soul...Oh at last this is the song for which I've yearned...touches of which I've dreamed and eyes so deep the bottom can not be found...



write me I'm very lonley for you today...

...

--


--

Swinging from Tires while still on cars

You'll never guess who goes out with the lights.
I am forget.
Right now I am in Texas with my band.
We are doing a short tour and I should be home in 5 days.
I don't know how much time I will have to be on a computer.
Or where I will stay.
Write me back.
--

RE: Swinging from tires while still on cars.

Are you online right now?

where in Texas are you? did you get all me email?

what is going on?...I'm on IM can you IM me?

--

--

Oh how short are tire stems made from cake..

I don't know if you can understand this...but damn!

I am so happy for you

I am so lonely for you

I am so mystified by you

I am so confused by you

I am so lost in you

I am so worried about you

I am so amazed by you

you are my best friend

you are my worst enemy

write me and tell me

wont' you tell me please

--


--

Busses don't park on sharp objects...


You told me to write you back...that means you must write me back at least one time for every time that I write you...so I plan to assure that you do not loose contact with me for at least 105 years...quit laughing...I mean it..! **smiles**


Finish this when you get a chance...it hurts too much..
--

Her chains fell off and smashed to the floor...her lips parted with fire...Eyes blazing..heart swelling as I broke and ran for the door..what do I care..what does she mean..whats that screaming...soft hair falling I hear her calling...Hey...

--

Don't cry over spilt milk.

Memories are things I'd like to keep.
But I can't place them without a face.
It is like talking to the picture on the milk carton.
Maybe its just my stomach telling me to eat but all I see are the faces of former friends.
I hate the taste of raw meat.
I hate meat.
The van smells like all the loves I had when I was younger.
I hate that.

I hate it.

--



--

Memories are things I'd like to keep.

But I can't place them without a face.

It is like talking to the picture on the milk carton.

Maybe its just my stomach telling me to eat but all I see are the faces of former friends.

I hate the taste of raw meat.

I hate meat.

The van smells like all the loves I had when I was younger.

I hate that.



I hate it.

--

When my friends saw it they all turned and ran.

Faces they say are older than they seem...

not really..but broken hearts and along the way

they threw me away again and again...

not love, but life thats what makes faces hard

and sun, sun working on the farm, desert winds

across the plain...oh sometimes I wish that I could

take them away..like those funny tv shows but

that's silly because it is still me and it was my life even

when I needed to trust her..would she take my

beaten face and make it into meat...

no younger loves could ever survive this ride!

Trust is something you have to do even when it kills you.



hate is a word I can not know.



--

Second Day out…



Fanned breezes make me wonder how many times that we counted birhtdays together and really didn't know...Feburary is a cold day and too far from fall to believe that summer ever existed...but still, the weeks between really aren't that hard to count...Five days is a long time when I start with zero and Mondays always stoop over with lost hope of weekends past. I must go on hoping for it until there is some sound outside my window. If not, the crash never actually happened did it...trees falling in the woods. It is an old story told over and over beside the August summer brooks. Blooms open and become full grown weeds beside the pond.



It is her reflection that moves across memories sent and trusted. A wine rolled at the side of my tongue, not knowing if it's ok to swallow.

--

Blue & Red make Purple paint...did you know that...



And on today miss I will wait again...

as far as I can see...blue paper flowing..

white sheets waiting...

red eyes bluring...

cool fans whirring...

rivers of tears..

oceans of fears...

all lined up in a row...



There is agony in my silence when your mind is on other things...

--

So you made me feel a little crushed.
Like the margarita salt you used to make our drinks.
Poison was your middle name, or it used to be.
Everything you said was a lie, even about taking the garbage out and burning it.
You knew I loved that smell.
You burnt rubber and the hamburgers we were going to eat instead.
I'll never forgive for saying those beautiful things.
All of those sounds pouring out, spewing out of your mouth.
Piles and Piles of "I love you" and "I don't like coffee"
You seemed to like it after you dug deeper into me.

You seemed to like a lot of thing I loved when you dug into me.
Everything I felt for you hated, until you dug a hole into me.
Shovel and hamburger meat.


--

Shovel & Hamburger meat..



Crused only is the ice for our margarita's.

Salt is the taste that makes all things well.

Never would I poison with a lie because,

the days are too short for that.

The garbage is all gone..burning smells belong to us.

Burnt sacrifice of my soul...and all the beautiful things are true.

Digging deeper creates life where none there was before...

Shall I murder all that is, just because I am afraid?

Let me cover the wound with prayer...for

prayer is ours having never been before,

beneath a cloudless sky...

until we leave this smoke filled room together.



I send the wind away and there is trembling in my heart.

--

Friday



I have set here looking at this screen for what seems like hours

I hate not hearing from you

I need you tell me that everything is ok.



The truth is, you really and truly are the only person I have ever met who feels what I feel..

you couldn't possibly have all those words without those feelings...

That is sometimes frightening...more awesome though when I accept it..



How much do we really know about the human heart and soul..just about nothing

Somehow, I know you and you know me...not because we've ever met, but...

just because...just knowing that feels good and hurts all at the same time.



Either tell me that I am insane and that this is part of a ruthless dream

or tell me it's true and put my heart at ease.

...I know you understand...tell me how...


--

My heart hurts.
Real deep, I did some stupid things last nite.
The alcohol and fast rock and roll got the better of me.
I love being alone.
I hate being with snobby, trendy, devilish people that I surround myself with.
Im in the scene, if you know what that means.
Anyways, I am almost home for the week.
I've never broken a bone in my body but every muscle still aches.

--

did it sadden you more?



I have been in the "scene" ...no more...

All the trendy, snobbish devilish people are either dead or really never loved me anyway...

It's all too painful sometimes...

they smelled of the same puke when morning came...



Your heart beats in my chest.....

--

You have to understand, I don't have time on my side.

Against age - against mind. Against my wall.

--


Stones, rocks and Jackhammers…The walls fell in Jericho



What do you do that makes me feel this way?

What knife that cuts my defenses away and

Makes me give up my heart like a tiny little sparrow…



What love is this that wraps up every thought even

When I cannot think…

Did you just awaken from my dream?



Oh how my heart is now and then

Always having been a stone, a rock

A place to hide…. now millions of miles

And no hope but hope itself…yet without

This hope there's noting else.



No breath, no life, nothing worth what this life has been…

How can this be…I ask over and over with the same answer

coming back to me…how can it not be…because it is and

was and shall always be.

Did you see how the wind bends the little blades of grass and the dandelions whisper back..

--

Love set you going like a fat gold watch.

The midwife slapped your footsoles, and your bald cry

Took its place among the elements.



Our voices echo, magnifying your arrival. New statue.

In a drafty museum, your nakedness

Shadows our safety. We stand round blankly as walls.



I'm no more your mother

Than the cloud that distills a mirror to reflect its own slow

Effacement at the wind's hand.



All night your moth-breath

Flickers among the flat pink roses. I wake to listen:

A far sea moves in my ear.



One cry, and I stumble from bed, cow-heavy and floral

In my Victorian nightgown.

Your mouth opens clean as a cat's. The window square



Whitens and swallows its dull stars. And now you try

Your handful of notes;

The clear vowels rise like balloons.

SP

--

Red shadows loom over tears of sand



Were they lies in the wind spread down the highways like rubber donuts..

Safe seeking solice in the morbid rich halls of tiny little towns..

painted green dresses, bedrooms filled with toys enough to hide in..



I don't believe it, it is not true inside you there beats a piece of me yet.

cast out, waiting, coming of age I know, being afraid, listening to the wind

but not alone...unless you choose and spitting in my ear, slicing me up

pieces thrown away...again, again, and again.



I trust her like a child, simple, virgin, stupidly awake, sound dead asleep

and cursing the night. I wait to hear her voice, needing to understand,

wars ripping my soul poets long dead past whose voice crys with mine

into the frightening darkness alone...did she leave me here all alone...

did she leave me here again alone.


You see your wooden idols burn.

You see your gold idols melt.

You see your stone idols crack.

There was never anything stronger

than you and I.

All those pages of sane words and still strict letters. They mocked your every move and made you feel as though were the final nail in whose ever hand it was.

Numbers Dates Letters Words.

Is that how you live? Is that how you breathe. Your faith is only a burning candle let your light shine spread your fires that destroy and disease HUMAN things. If you have a GOD you are no longer human. You are periods on a line you are seconds of OTHER peoples lives.

There was nothing stronger than you and I.



Raging stump.

My brain twitches with malfunctions.

The early morning pinches its cheeks and tries to yank it awake.

Sleep deprivation...even the caffinated liquid doesn't make me feel conscious.

It usually does. Its only 6 o'clock a.m. and it pains like it has been a long day.

Gripping my forehead, the sharp knives of stress plunge deep in soft shell of my

Conscience.

Migraine.

So mechanically it hurts, the screws and bolts are too tight. The start to grab

my end nerves and drag away...grinding each thought I try to regain.

The dark circles resemble craters underneath my mirror ball eyes.

Ridged red lines grace my pupils.

When will this day be over, it has barely begun?

This is the worst stabbing I have ever had.

My brain has run out of tears its crying blood.

Everyone stares...I want to fall to the floor and cringe.

Raging stump.

Malfunctioning hole in my head, cutting the life of every thought that tries to escape.

I need to darkness because this everyday handicap has made the lights like heat.

It's burning my skin.

Why is everyone screaming...wait are they?

Their mouths move silent like fishes suffocating.

Yet this Laser Beam Sound is breaking my ear drum.

::REEEAK::

It busts-like a big vase hitting the floor and then smattering in to a thousand pieces.

And just like dust floating in the air it disappears.

Tylenol Over-kill

--

But only three in all God's universe

Have heard this word thou hast said,--himself, beside

Thee speaking, and me listening! and replied

One of us . . . that was God, . . . and laid the curse

So darkly on my eyelids, so as to amerce

My sight from seeing thee,--that if I had died,

The death-weights, placed there, would have signified

Less absolute exclusion. "Nay" is worse

From God than from all others, O my friend!

Men could not part us with their worldly jars,

Nor the seas change us, nor the tempests bend;

Our hands would touch for all the mountain-bars:

And, heaven being rolled between us at the end,

We should but vow the faster for the stars.

ELB

---

I waited by the garden gate alone...

I stood by the little Messenger that we clam as our own...

Down was my heart again...maybe I am not so strong as you,

Whispering moving the little man up and down the screen..

General, Coworkers, Family, Friends.... where do all the pieces fit..

I know I am insane, but were you not there with me but a moment before..

I saw it flash...I ran to the gate and saw you not. I called your name...

Brittain, Brittain...it sounds so french today…I understand that kind of pain

Growing larger than the life that is left within you...selfish I am, and selfish I'll be,

to posses this love for all eternity...



I need your forgiveness, I need your care, I need your prayer.

may I borrow your tylanol please?

--



Preps scare me now...its cold in the back of the room..



You know, I don't think you have ever used my name. I am real, I am flesh, I am spirit...

You have never admitted your own name. You are real, you are flesh, you are spirit...



I need you to at least understand

I have the faith of mustard seeds,

and they all give way to brown eyed girls

falling falling like those swirly little maple things,

white doves flying

black dogs biting

my knees are bleeding from all the crawling....

I've never bowed before

except to pick myself up...

fists slamming

nose bleeding

she didn't need my help....

mothers laughing

babys crying

daddys gone

was he lieing....

white doves flying,

Johnny Walker rode over tonight

he brought his friend Jack...

and oh the fun we had,

till the sun came up,

till the sun sat down...

and oh the fun we had,

Katie bar the door...

treated like a whore

run away with me

back to our closet once more...

back to our closet once more...





I lift my cup and catch the wine that I draw from your heart...

precious drops of time...

letters, words,

parts of your life...

giddy pain this empty place...

didn't I hear you promise to fill it,

this empty space...


--

It has been more than three days now...oh how my heart yearns for air...!